Smile...it hides everything

I killed myself a few years back. Not phsycally, of course, just emotionaly. I stopped feeling. Any type of feeling you perceived from my part was fabricated. Because it was just too painful too feel. And I dont mean just stopped loving, I mean stopped caring in general. I became shallow, empty, and inconsistent. I stopped writing. Poetry, Prose, anything. I just stopped. I wasnt inspired to do ANYTHING. I was living my life mechanically. No, I wasnt living, I was surviving. And it goes without saying that I was unhappy. I went through a severe depression. I started cutting myself again. I found blades, broken glass, kitchen knives, whatever cut, u name it. I never told anyone. Because I didnt trust my best friend. And with reason, because she ended up betraying me, just like the others before her. But I dont regret the time spent with her. Because we had fun together. And I remember being occupied for several hours trying to figure out if she was lesbian or not.

But I degress.

Ifelt horrible. I admit that I tried to kill myself more than once. But I chickened out. Maybe something inside me knew that I wasnt supposed to die. Maybe a small part of me, buried deep inside a heart full of hate, wanted to live. And you wudnt believe it, but I hated myself and the world around me even more after each failed attempt to end my own life.

Every time a situation upsetted me, I would take a painkiller of some sort( Advil, Tylenol, Aspirin). And everytime things got worse for me in that situation,which seemed to frequentlly be the case, I would take more.And more. Until my tummy ached. Then I had to lie down. When I was down, I had nothing to do, so I cut myself. I carved names in my left arm. Names of the ppl who hurt me. Some without even knowing it. Some willingly. The names of these ppl are to be kept secret because there attitude towards me have changed, I do not feel the need to expose them as potential killers. Because yes, even if I wud have killed myself, it wud've been because of them.I cant say that these feelings dont come back once in a while, but at least now, I can feel. Wether it be love or hate, at least I can feel it.

Manue